he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
