Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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