no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
