I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death