hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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