Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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