I think I am morally bankrupt
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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