I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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