I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
