Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
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Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills