bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
