Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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