So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
