When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I queefed so loud it echoed.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
this hospital has no fireball
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
