4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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