oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I smell like Dick and happiness
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
