I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"