WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
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You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
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He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack