dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?