After last night, I could never be a politician.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We need to rekindle our bromance
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
