he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
