even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
