i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.