I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
