you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Randomize
