I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
