There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
