If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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