I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
