drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
