FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
