i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
