so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
