You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
