Swine flu. Run for my life!
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
