I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
