My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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