She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
People in love make me want to vomit
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize