they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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