we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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