I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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