my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
