somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
