is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
