Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
