Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
being pregnant is like rehab
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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