Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
