Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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