this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
