New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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