i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
