Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
