I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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