his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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