im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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