My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
