there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
