We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
