I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
