Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
